Vjetropev: Hollywood Biographies

The first in a series of such biographies that I'll be adding here.

DEPP, Johnny. (b. in 1963).

This unusually intelligent actor who finished primary school through the internet last year in spite of having to shoot a movie at the same time, is most known for his utter coolness. Depp, being the method actor that he is, realized that coolness i.e. total greatness, does not combine well at all with toilet needs. So he decided to stop shitting. "How can I be cool if I take craps? I look silly, sittin' there like some uncool animal, and Johnny must not look silly if he is super-cool, right?" he said, taking a cool puff of smoke from his very cool cigarette, while leaning very Armani-like on the hood of his Porsche.

A week passed, and Johnny started having constipation problems. "It's hard enough being cool while having sex with an anorexic, duck-lipped Frenchwoman without having to fart every 3 seconds!" he said, clearly annoyed, but still remaining cool

under pressure, taking a puff on his well-handled, very well-held cigarette. "Johnny needs to look cool when he has sex with that skinny thing, 'cause if he's not cool, she'll find someone else who'll shag her in a cool way. And Johnny can't have that. Johnny can't have a little French whore dump him 'cause that ain't cool at all, and I'm not anything if not cool."

It was around this time that Bush invaded Iraq, but Depp would have none of it. "America, like, is like a wounded puppy… Like a wounded puppy that wants to bite. Bite Arabs, Moslems and Tibetans, and other

superior, deeper and cooler cultures and stuff. Johnny won't stay here no more. I'm grabbing my cigarettes, my French whore, my books on posing, and moving to France. So there! See how they like THAT..."

Weeks passed but Bush was still waging war on Iraq. "I can't believe this!... They lose a cool intellectual super-talent buddha like me – and what…? Nothing! The war's still on! I tell you something, man: this country's finished! All the coolest intelligentsia are getting outta here: me, Redford, me, Paltrow, me, Madonna, and Johnny…". By this time his constipation was starting to show: "Yep. I'm Depp. And I'm pregnant.

I've been trying to impregnate that skinny little European slag, but her masturbatory cycle ain't working monthly and stuff so she ain't producing any eggs no more. And what happens? I get pregnant! It's so sarcastic, the whole thing. Such sarcasm." He meant "irony", of course.

However, even getting pregnant with a turd-baby wasn't enough to make Depp reconsider and start crapping again. "No, man. Absolutely no way. That's so uncool. Sitting on that damn white stinkin' seat with your pants down – no way. I'm sure Jimmy (Dean) never did it either. And if Jimmy didn't shit then Johnny won't either."

As for his move to France, he was as adamant in that regard as ever. "Johnny really likes Europe. Everyone here is so much more constipated than in the States. So much more uptight 'cause the shit won't come out so often, which is good. Eurpeans crap less hence are less like violent animals like Bush and stuff. And everyone loves peace, and there's no racism at all, and everyone is so highly educated and smart like me, and my little French putain is happy here, so, no: I'm not moving back. If they want me back, they'd better get out of Iraq and apologize to Mr.Hussein and let Mr.Arafat have Egypt back, and let Nelson Mandela develop his nuclear programme if he wants to."

A week later, two events were to make a marked impact on Johnny; first, the French riots. "I can't believe this! I thought France was, like, cool and stuff, and everyone loved blacks and foreigners and there was social whorefare for all and everyone voted for the extreme Left – and now THIS… Moslems and French African-Americans have the right to destroy anything they want. Johnny is always on the side of the oppressed. What's a couple of destroyed cars when it's the future of mankind and glory of the, like, human soul and when stuff like spirituality is at stake?"

A day later one of his Ferraris was destroyed in the riots; a black youth blew it up. "Oh, my God! How dare they! How dare those fucking ni**ers destroy my property? I'm voting for Le Pen!"

The other event was the birth. "Yes, my 'usband 'as just given birth to a beautiful and 'ealthy pile of shit," said his wife Vanessa Paradis to the journalists congregating around the hospital where Johnny became a mother, "and it weighs more than 35 kilograms. We think it will be a wrestler. We are not yet sure if it's a boy or a girl so we don't 'ave a name yet." Then a journalist asked her what name they would give it if it's neither a boy nor a girl but just a regular pile of shit. "In that case, ve vill call it 'A Regular Pile Of Shitesse Khublai Khan Pol Pot Changstein River Blood Aroma Depp".

Johnny Depp is currently enjoying his stay in France more than ever, especially since joining the ranks of the French Fascist Party. "The sad and unnecessary loss of one of my Ferraris has made me realize just how cool it can be to lynch ni**ers. But just so my Hollywood friends don't misunderstand me: Johnny is still PC

and for, like, world peace and affirmative action, except that such action can entail affirming a ni**er's right to die quickly and stuff. But Johnny still loves everyone equally. Johnny still votes for Democrats, supports liberals, wants to legalize crack, allow gay marriage, help pedophiles buy kids more easily, still opposes the death penalty – except when it's the death of a ni**er of course. But I still like Moslems! They haven't done anything to me. They should get their own Palestine and throw bombs if they like and stuff."

A week later a Muslim rioter destroyed one of his BMWs. "Now I hate Moslems, too, but I still think Bush should get out of Iraq. He should, like, get out of Iraq, and attack the French suburbs. Avenge Johnny's cars, man." Johnny and Vanessa have moved out of France, disappointed that it wasn't the Utopia that President Chirac had advertised it to be. They have decided to move to North Korea. "I heard it's, like, really nice there. Tim (Robbins) and Susan (Sarandon) say the people are like really enjoying the fruit of the Revolution and there's no McDonald's anywhere in sight and, like, you see people dancing happily in the parades and stuff and everyone is equal and they are, like, all cool 'cause they're vegetarians eating nothing but grass - and that, like, fact really sealed the deal for me. Cool, I'm packin' my guitar and going there."

Johnny Depp has had a prolific career. Recently he has had a huge hit with "Pilesofshit In The Carrebean". In it, he used bits and pieces off his son, Shitesse, and placed it on his face instead of using the usual movie make-up. Johnny was uniformly praised for displaying such love and devotion to his child – even to the extent of smearing him on his face. Shittesse Depp has even been listed in the film's credits: not in "cast", but under "make-up". Johnny has been nominated for a Blowscar for his cool portrayal of a gay pirate smeared with shit. "I prepared for that role by imagining that I was George Michael Jackson, and by watching ten hours of gay porn every day." His son, Shittesse, also got a Blowscar – for make-up. This is the first time in history that a pile of shit got that award. Usually the Best Actor/Actress awards go to piles of shit.

His previous films include:

"Edward Scisser Hands Over His Small Brain", "Ed Would Like To Fuck Some More Empty-Headed Euro-Trash Sluts", "Fear & Loathing In Paris Suburbs", "Cry-Baby: The Life & Times Of A Whiny Anti-War Expatriate", "The Astronaut's French Wife", "What's Eating Gilbert Grape's Brain?", "Nick Of Time: Getting Out Of France In The Last Minute", "Cry-Baby II: The Anti-War Sissy Moves Out Of France", "Benny & Joon, Johnny & Moss, Tim & Susan, Gwyneth & Chris: Please Save The World", "Sleepy, Hollow Head", "The Man Who Cried And Bitched And Moaned", "French Corpse Bride & Retarded Groom", "Ed's Wood Does Good Business With French Poutains", "Cry-Baby III: The Genius Finally Smells The Roses In North Korea", "Arizona's Dreams Of Johnnie Brasco Finally Learning To Read", "Once Upon A Time In A French Suburb", "Willy Wanker's Chocolate Factory", "Blow, Kate, Blow", "Cry-Baby IV: The Sensitive Artist Moves To Mongolia", "Cry-Baby V: The Intellectual Thesbian Finds Peace In Greenland", "Cry-Baby VI: The Brilliant Mind Moves To The Moon", "Cry-Baby VII, The Final Chapter: The Cry-Baby Moves Back To L.A. Because That's Where The Best Dealers Live", "Ninth, Kate", "Tenth, Kate", "Eleventh, Kate", and "Twelfth, Kate, That's The Twelfth Line Of Cocaine You've Had Since Noon, Bitch".